March 27, 2008

To Settle Or Not To Settle?

Posted by Lemery Reyes at 12:00PM

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As young women, we're faced with choices on a daily basis: What am I going to wear today, do I have enough time to eat a good breakfast, will the bus arrive on time, will I be late for work, do I have enough money to do laundry or can I make it to class on time?

But what about choices that deal with matters of the heart? For me, the ideal relationship is one where you actually enjoy the other person's presence, have chemistry, can laugh or cry together and have deep conversations about life. Maybe that's just what I look for in a partner as do many of my 20-something friends. For us, having a boyfriend or a girlfriend is not a big deal — we have our careers to focus on and the rest of our lives to find that special someone.

But if it were up to author Lori Gottlieb, we would all have a life partner, even if we don't really like them. Gottlieb is the author of "Marry Him!", an article in The Atlantic that has sparked a national debate on whether women need men to survive in life. According to Gottlieb, women should just settle down and marry any available person before it is too late and we end up like her: a single 40-year-old parent who has to juggle a career and a child all by herself.

Hmmm, maybe Gottlieb has a point? Is it better to be with Joe Smith, who's in debt, physically abusive and a cheater, or feel alone and face pity stares from coupled friends or strangers like Bridget Jones?

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Gottlieb points out in her article that an added bonus to settling down, is that if the marriage fails, women get "child-support payments and a free night off when the kids go to Dad's house for a sleepover."

Ah ha, I can see the true benefits of settling down: child-support payments! (The red flags are suddenly flying fast and high.)

Divorce Factors

I hate to bring up divorce while discussing a romantic topic like child support, but what about the fact that U.S. divorce rates are estimated to be around 50 percent? If marriage is so great, why are so many people divorcing? And, do women really need to have a man in their lives to succeed and survive? Is she attempting to reverse the independence women have achieved in the past 30 years?

On the culture of feminism, Gottlieb had this to say: "If you say you're not worried [about finding a mate], either you're in denial or you're lying. In fact, take a good look in the mirror and try to convince yourself that you're not worried, because you'll see how silly your face looks when you're being disingenuous."

Hello! Calling 1950s?

I understand that Gottlieb is just one woman in this universe with strong opinions on marriage and relationships. However, I just have to wonder if Gottlieb considered women who pioneered the feminist movement, and those who guaranteed Gottlieb and others the opportunity to be single mothers and publish articles like "Marry Him!"

Maybe Gottlieb's generation forgot about Betty Friednan's best-seller, The Feminine Mystique, which encouraged women to break out of traditional family roles?

Yes, I realize that there are many feminist websites and publications like Feministing or Ms. Magazine , that counter Gottlieb's logic. The fact still remains that women should not have to rely on a man to survive in life.

Instead of settling for Mr. or Ms. Red Flag, people should just focus on being happy, strong, educated, self-sufficient independent individuals with a career. If and when Mr. or Ms. Right comes along, they'll enhance our lives, not make them worse. Until then, we should just rely on ourselves to get things done in life, and not settle for that child support check to come in the mail.