Ask a Sex Goddess

By Sex Goddess, WireTap
Posted on May 23, 2008, Printed on December 3, 2008
http://www.wiretapmag.org/sex/43560/

Dear SG,

I am having a boy problem. I recently left a long-term relationship and have been dating casually since. I've been casually hooking up with an old friend of mine -- whom I have always been attracted to. A few weeks ago we had a pregnancy scare, and it was terrible, especially because my friend was such a jerk about it. He told me that he wouldn't want to know, that he'd want me to take care of it without telling him if I was pregnant. Fortunately I wasn't, but I am still dealing how unsupportive and insensitive he was. We've hooked up a few times since, and he's been really sweet, but it's not the same for me. I just don't trust him anymore. At the same time, I don't want to lose the friendship. What should I do?

-Having Second Thoughts About Friends with Benefits, L.A.

Dear HSTAFWB,

I am always amazed when folks refer to genital-to-genital contact as "casual." There is nothing casual about this kind of sex. Sure, it can be fun or spontaneous or experimental or outrageous...even amazing, terrible, weird, or mind-blowing. But casual? Uh, uh.

Why, you may ask? Has Sex Goddess gone all conservative on you? No. I have my reasons. And the BIG one is that with genital-to-genital contact there is always a risk of STI/STD transmission and/or pregnancy. Neither of which is particularly "casual".

That being said, if you treat sex with your friend as casual, you will be hard pressed to hold him accountable for his behavior around a pregnancy scare. I am not saying this to let him off the hook: boy has no business putting his penis anywhere with that attitude and should be non-sensually spanked for the way he treated you. I am saying, though, that when you approach sex as a casual encounter, you can't have high standards around emotional support from your casual partner. Consider it a lesson learned.

If hooking up with him doesn't feel right anymore, don't do it, girl!! Be straight up with him about it, because you have plenty of good reasons: it's too complicated, you're just coming off a long term relationship, you need time, you wouldn't want an unwanted pregnancy to cause a rift in your relationship, you found his attitude towards your pregnancy scare distressing...etc. If he is truly a good friend to you, he will understand and support you in that decision.

Losing a friendship is one of many potential outcomes when you make the move from friends to slightly more than friends. You have to be honest with yourself about whether or not it's a risk you are willing to take. Coming out of a long-term romance, you may feel like you need to make up for lost time with folks you have always been curious about. Take a moment and assess: barring nuclear war or an alien-parasitic invasion, there will always be interesting and attractive people to kiss, snuggle, sex up and explore. Go slow and enjoy this unique facet of being human.

=======

Do you have a question? Email SG at SexAndRelationships@WireTapMag.org.

Rules:

1. I hate rules!
2. There are no stupid questions, only stupid hang-ups.
3. Pleasure came before political correctness, and so should you!
4. Love yourself first.

Who: Who I am is unimportant. I do, however, enjoy sex, dally in various relationships, and on top of that I am an organizer by trade, or perhaps faith. I declare here and now that I know as much as anyone about sex and relationships -- which is roughly nothing and everything.

Why: Organizers, activists, change makers, closet progressives -- people trying to save the world often have a hard time figuring out how to ... do it. Whatever it might be at the moment -- love, dominate, submit, indulge, deny, give, take, fight, let go, wonder, know. I secretly suspect that if everyone were able to find the freedom to really love and please themselves (not to mention each other), the world would be a much more peaceful place.

© 2008 Wiretap Magazine. All rights reserved.
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