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Ask a Sex Goddess
Dear SG,
As long as I can remember, I've wanted to have some intimate and close relationship with a special person, but I'm 22 and it's still never happened! I'm tall, intelligent, funny, artistic, a good empathetic listener, a damn good organizer with a sexy consciousness of gender politics and power dynamics, and most of the time I think I'm rather attractive - so what gives?
I tried random hookup make-outs a couple times and that wasn't fun at all. I'd much prefer a more personal, intimate, comfortable setting to have my (gasp!) first sexual experience, and I believe very strongly in having things happen on your own terms. Are my standards unreasonable?
In the last couple of years, when I have asked out somebody, it tends to fizzle quickly for one of a few reasons -- either I realize I'm not that into them, they realize they're not that into me, they'd rather not have a "relationship," or some combination thereof. In fact, it seems like no radical women my age want to have a relationship whatsoever! I feel like I missed a bus somewhere back in high school, and I've got a long way to walk to get to where everyone else is, and by the time I get there, they'll have moved on. So frustrating!
Also, I'm tired of having to be the guy all the time and always having to initiate things. Any tips on how to get some radical, empowered women to ask me out once in awhile?
Anyway, thanks for reading,
Lonely and longwinded
Dear Lonely and Longwinded,
Wow. I have to say that I can't quite figure it out either. I don't know any 22-year- old men (or 23-, 24-, 25-year-old men) who can lay claim to the qualities you listed. I can see why you might be thinking: "I really AM all that and a bag of chips. What's the deal?"
Are your standards unreasonable? The short answer is yes. No one puts a sign out on their door that says, 'Looking for a close, intimate relationship' and finds their true love baking cookies in the kitchen the next day. It will be difficult for you to recognize a healthy, intimate relationship without ever having had a relationship. You need to open yourself up to whatever it is the universe wants you to experience -- whether that is a two-week fling, a three-month intensive, a two-year commitment, or a life-long love affair. Just like when shopping, you will be most frustrated when looking for something very specific; when entering the complex world of relationships, you will be frequently disappointed if you have preconceived notions of exactly what kind of relationship you want.
Now, on the topic of sexual (in)experience...You have enough wonderful qualities to fill a romance novel set in the highlands of Scotland, BUT you are lacking sexual experience. That's enough to make any strong man's knees quiver under his kilt! And to be frank, there are a lot of folks out there who are not willing to be responsible for someone else's first sexual experience. I know, I know - it sounds selfish. After all, isn't everyone someone's first? But in reality, the assumption is that if you've waited this long, you must be carrying some serious baggage around sex and intimacy. Only you can know whether or not this is true, but consider it a deal-breaker for many women. If you are packing a mommy-didn't-breastfeed-me load, it's worth exploring this individually before hopping in bed with anyone.
Patience is all and confidence wins the day. Even if you have a great emotional resume, lack of experience can breed insecurity, and insecurity around your sexual self can be a turn off for folks you might be into (and trust me, you don't want to get involved with someone who finds your sexual insecurities a turn ON. We call that abuse).
Finally, here are two fun and easy ways to either get laid or at least generate some mystique:
-Take a sex toy/masturbation/foreplay/sex play class through your local sex toy store or radical education network. It is a great way to learn about your sexual self, and you are bound to meet a few ladies who want to try out their new techniques. The mere fact that you are willing to show up to such a class alone will speak volumes about your level of confidence.
-Start telling everyone you know that you are "celibate." Even Sex Goddess cannot explain why, but other folks tend to see your celibacy as a challenge to overcome. Ladies will be banging down your door with thinly veiled hints at their fellatio prowess in an effort to "rouse" you from your self-imposed slumber.
Good luck!
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Do you have a question? Email SG at SexAndRelationships@WireTapMag.org.
Rules:
1. I hate rules!
2. There are no stupid questions, only stupid hang-ups.
3. Pleasure came before political correctness, and so should you!
4. Love yourself first.
Who: Who I am is unimportant. I do, however, enjoy sex, dally in various relationships, and on top of that I am an organizer by trade, or perhaps faith. I declare here and now that I know as much as anyone about sex and relationships -- which is roughly nothing and everything.
Why: Organizers, activists, change makers, closet progressives -- people trying to save the world often have a hard time figuring out how to ... do it. Whatever it might be at the moment -- love, dominate, submit, indulge, deny, give, take, fight, let go, wonder, know. I secretly suspect that if everyone were able to find the freedom to really love and please themselves (not to mention each other), the world would be a much more peaceful place.
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Amen.
Posted by: MariaRose on Jul 16, 2008 8:38 AM
I find it quite nice that there are men in the same situation I am in. The author of the letter wrote everything in which I have been enduring. With everyone jumping in and out of bed so easily, it is very rare to find someone who is earnestly longing for an emotional connection that permeates skin. Being a 23-year old female college student means that I am pressured to have many sexual partners, as well as have no qualms about jumping in bed as soon my partner is ready. I have dated many men recently, and most ask for sex very early on in the dating process. I am happy to say I have yet to have intercourse. This does not mean that I do not enjoy myself. However, I know that most relationships at my age are quite transient so I keep most of myself on reserve for something genuine. The fact that this gentleman decided to not sleep with anyone does not automatically mean he has issues about being intimate. It could mean that he doesn't have issues about being intimate because he has waited. For example, using sex as the primary way of bonding with someone, or allowing it to occur before an emotional bond has been given time to form is having issues with intimacy. Having sex to simply have sex without an earnest bond can be more hurtful then being inexperienced. Why just have sex with anyone now, if he has waited so long already? Why not hold out for a relationship that lasts beyond a few months? When the right woman comes along she will not be disgusted at his lack of inexperience (which would be the mark of someone who is not right for him), but privileged to embark upon that fun journey.“If you get lonely, have sex. But if you think you meet someone who really wants something from you? You're doomed.”
-Miscellaneous Character from Six Feet Under
Maria Rose
myspace.com/dear1939