Ask a Sex Goddess

By Sex Goddess, November 1, 2008

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My friend seems upset that I'm pregnant. What should I do?

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Dear Sex Goddess~I have a friend who has been trying to get pregnant for 3 years and has not been successful. I recently became pregnant accidentally, and my partner and I have decided to keep the baby. We are really excited about what's happening, but I have no idea how to talk to my friend about this. The first time she saw me after she found out, she started crying, and I don't think it was from joy. I know that she is happy for us, but she seems upset by what is happening. What should I do?

Ms. Happy Accident

Philadelphia, PA

Dear Ms. Happy Accident~Well, this is certainly a delicate one. Becoming pregnant, or trying to, is one of the most fraught times in a woman's life, and that is true whether or not she is successful. If she is having trouble, then other womens' success at attaining and maintaining a pregnancy, intended or unintended, can become a point of serious frustration, sorrow, and even resentment.

My interpretation: Your friend is happy for you, but she cannot help but sense an unfairness in your accidental joy. You weren't even trying, whereas she has been desiring this with every bone in her body for the last 3 years. She is going to try to put on a brave face for your sake, and share this experience with you, but it is going to be challenging for her.

What should you do? Talk to her about it. Ask her how she feels. Let her know that you are aware of how strange these circumstances are, and that you can understand that her feelings may be complicated. Tell her that she can and should take as much time and space as she needs to figure out how to be comfortable around you. You should both be aware that during your pregnancy, it may be difficult for you to process her fertility issues with her. But this does not mean either of you should pretend these issues don't exist. The sooner you confront it, the sooner you can celebrate this happy event together.

Remember, the fact that you are having a child does not mean she won't. These things take time.

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Do you have a question? Email SG at SexAndRelationships@WireTapMag.org.

Rules:

1. I hate rules!

2. There are no stupid questions, only stupid hang-ups.

3. Pleasure came before political correctness, and so should you!

4. Love yourself first.

Who: Who I am is unimportant. I do, however, enjoy sex, dally in various relationships, and on top of that I am an organizer by trade, or perhaps faith. I declare here and now that I know as much as anyone about sex and relationships -- which is roughly nothing and everything.

Why: Organizers, activists, change makers, closet progressives -- people trying to save the world often have a hard time figuring out how to ... do it. Whatever it might be at the moment -- love, dominate, submit, indulge, deny, give, take, fight, let go, wonder, know. I secretly suspect that if everyone were able to find the freedom to really love and please themselves (not to mention each other), the world would be a much more peaceful place.