Ask a Sex Goddess

By Sex Goddess, December 13, 2008

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My partner and I are thinking of shifting to an open relationship.

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Dear Sex Goddess ~ My partner and I are thinking of shifting to an open relationship. We have been having difficulties for several months now, and my partner feels that one of the issues in our relationship is that she is less sexually experienced than me. So she wants to date and be intimate with a few other folks. I am not really interested in dating anyone else, though. What do you think? Should we go for it?

Considering an Experiment

Detroit, MI

Dear Considering ~ Well there is certainly nothing wrong with trying! The success and failure of open relationships does depend, in large part, on your reasons for entering into them, your capacity for tolerating discomfort, and whether this is a step towards or away from breaking up.

If you trying an open relationship in order to fix problems in your relationship that are not necessarily related to sex and romance, you may experience some serious difficulties - both getting it off the ground and sustaining it. It will be hard to interest anyone that is already aware of you two as a couple in participating in your open relationship, especially if they know that you are having romantic troubles, so you will most likely need to look elsewhere for fun. The fact that only one of you is truly interested in sleeping with other people is also potentially problematic - its a recipe for jealousy, and could lead to unequal emotional power in the relationship when/if you ever decide to become monogamous again (i.e., you are fighting about making plans for the weekend and you say "you always get your way, like when you slept with Fred!!")...ick.

On the other hand, it could be exactly what you both need. Opening up to new experiences can bring you closer together and help you become more vulnerable with each other. if you set clear and careful boundaries around how much information you share with each other about your escapades, and have clear expectations around protection against STIs, STDs, and pregnancy, you could find the experience very fulfilling, both as individuals and as a couple. Transparency is key.

My advice: consider carefully your real reasons for trying an open relationship, and weigh the pros and cons of such a move. Talk to other folks you know who have been or are in open relationships about their experiences and reasons. There are a variety of ways to practice an open relationship. For some ideas, check out these two links:

With Open Hands: A Handbook on Open Relationships

Models of Open Relationships

Good luck!

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Do you have a question? Email SG at SexAndRelationships@WireTapMag.org.

Rules:

1. I hate rules!

2. There are no stupid questions, only stupid hang-ups.

3. Pleasure came before political correctness, and so should you!

4. Love yourself first.

Who: Who I am is unimportant. I do, however, enjoy sex, dally in various relationships, and on top of that I am an organizer by trade, or perhaps faith. I declare here and now that I know as much as anyone about sex and relationships -- which is roughly nothing and everything.

Why: Organizers, activists, change makers, closet progressives -- people trying to save the world often have a hard time figuring out how to ... do it. Whatever it might be at the moment -- love, dominate, submit, indulge, deny, give, take, fight, let go, wonder, know. I secretly suspect that if everyone were able to find the freedom to really love and please themselves (not to mention each other), the world would be a much more peaceful place.

=======================

Do you have a question? Email SG at SexAndRelationships@WireTapMag.org.

Rules:

1. I hate rules!

2. There are no stupid questions, only stupid hang-ups.

3. Pleasure came before political correctness, and so should you!

4. Love yourself first.

Who: Who I am is unimportant. I do, however, enjoy sex, dally in various relationships, and on top of that I am an organizer by trade, or perhaps faith. I declare here and now that I know as much as anyone about sex and relationships -- which is roughly nothing and everything.

Why: Organizers, activists, change makers, closet progressives -- people trying to save the world often have a hard time figuring out how to ... do it. Whatever it might be at the moment -- love, dominate, submit, indulge, deny, give, take, fight, let go, wonder, know. I secretly suspect that if everyone were able to find the freedom to really love and please themselves (not to mention each other), the world would be a much more peaceful place.