Ask a Sex Goddess

By Sex Goddess, January 11, 2009

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I started hooking up with a friend but don't want to seem clingy.

A friend and I recently started hooking up. He said that if I found someone else to tell him and we would call it off, and he would do the same for me - so I get the impression that this is "just for now". He initiated it with me: I give him a favor, and he tells me how he likes it. I know that he recently broke up with his girlfriend, so I've been asking him if everything's alright and how he's doing. He didn't answer me the last time I asked that, and now it's been a couple days since I heard from him. In this situation, do you think I should not ask him anymore and just be a f*ck-buddy to him, to do what he wants me to do and nothing more? As his friend, I want to offer him support, but maybe he sees it as being too clingy...? I appreciate your thoughts on this!

Thanks,

Concerned and Submissive

Dear Concerned and Submissive ~ Honey, are you enjoying this arrangement? Because it doesn't sound much like an equal opportunity package. In fact, it sounds to me like you have been suckered into offering "support" in a way that is a bit, um, self-sacrificing? Casual sex should be fun sex. Not pensive sex, not anxiety-producing sex. Fun sex.

The bonds of attraction between friends are strong - strong enough to give way to sensual, sexual, and romantic contact, especially when one or more parties are vulnerable. It seems that both of you were feeling vulnerable, and are each finding solace through sex. But you are in it for different reasons, and this is leading to some tension, if not between you, then certainly within you. Undoubtedly, your friend wants to lose himself in 'the body' as he retreats within the mind to figure some things out. You want to support him, and f*ck him, and be his friend, and maybe more, and in the process you are getting used.

It is exceedingly difficult to manage being a supportive friend and being a f*ck buddy at the same time, because for most (but not all) people, the charm of a f*ck buddy is the lack of attachment, the fact that there is no need to 'check in' or process anything. Its a good time for the sake of a good time.

If you want to support him as a friend, you will probably need to step back from the role of a submissive booty call. A casual sexual relationship that is not heading in the direction of a romance takes up emotional space that would otherwise be filled by serious friendship and support. On the other hand, if you want to continue being his f*ck buddy, you can at least make it more satisfying for yourself by taking a more active role. Being a f*ck buddy means having a f*ck buddy - make sure you are getting the most out of this arrangement as long as it lasts.

Good luck!

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Do you have a question? Email SG at SexAndRelationships@WireTapMag.org.

Rules:

1. I hate rules!

2. There are no stupid questions, only stupid hang-ups.

3. Pleasure came before political correctness, and so should you!

4. Love yourself first.

Who: Who I am is unimportant. I do, however, enjoy sex, dally in various relationships, and on top of that I am an organizer by trade, or perhaps faith. I declare here and now that I know as much as anyone about sex and relationships -- which is roughly nothing and everything.

Why: Organizers, activists, change makers, closet progressives -- people trying to save the world often have a hard time figuring out how to ... do it. Whatever it might be at the moment -- love, dominate, submit, indulge, deny, give, take, fight, let go, wonder, know. I secretly suspect that if everyone were able to find the freedom to really love and please themselves (not to mention each other), the world would be a much more peaceful place.