Ask a Sex Goddess

By Sex Goddess, January 24, 2009

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I'm afraid of my sexual fantasies. Help!

I am rather concerned about a sexual fantasy that has started to become somewhat of an obsession. Normally I am of the opinion that fantasy is fantasy - harmless! But the nature and intensity of this kind of bothers me. I keep having cuckolding fantasies where I am cheated on openly by a girl (for the girl i always imagine my ex). These involve some voyeurism, a little teasing and humiliation and some very perverted things also ...

I worry that such fantasies, especially on a daily basis, aren't healthy. But on the other hand, without asking someone, its hard to know if this is a lot more normal than I imagine, and I am beating myself up over nothing?

Yours,

Confused

Dear Confused ~ First of all, what you are experiencing is totally normal! Most people engage in sexual fantasizing in some way, and given that sex is one of the most complicated human acts, it makes sense that those fantasies would reflect sexual and relational complexity.

That being said, if you find yourself obsessing about this fantasy, that could be unhealthy for you, so it is worth exploring where this fantasy is coming from and why it is taking up so much emotional space in your life right now. You may want to ask yourself, why am I so turned on by the idea of being cheated on, and why do I picture my ex in these fantasies? What am I struggling with in the history of my sexual and romantic relationships?

Perhaps you were cheated on at some point and did not know about it, and this fantasy is helping you come to terms with the deception. Perhaps you were cheated on and you did know about it, and you decided to stay with the betraying partner. Being cheated on is traumatizing, and if you and your partner did not find a way to actively work through and resolve the issues which led to the betrayal, then it is reasonable that your mind would be attempting to resolve these issues through fantasy. Perhaps You cheated on your partner, and you are searching for resolution by turning the tables on yourself.

It is worth exploring some of your past experiences, and talking to someone you trust (someone who will not be judgmental with you) about your fantasy. The more secrecy and shame that surrounds this fantasy, the more control it will have over you. You don't need a fantasy controlling your life - fantasies are pleasant because we control them.

If this fantasy continues to bother you, there are some things you can try:

• Start writing (literally, writing) erotic fantasies that purposefully depart from the...uh...themes of your current fantasy. Instead of a cheating scenario involving your ex, try a threesome with strangers in an elevator, or a secret tryst with a hot coworker.
• Ritually rid your mind of the current fantasy by writing it out in exquisite detail and then burning the paper. But remember, safety first!

Good luck!

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Do you have a question? Email SG at SexAndRelationships@WireTapMag.org.

Rules:

1. I hate rules!

2. There are no stupid questions, only stupid hang-ups.

3. Pleasure came before political correctness, and so should you!

4. Love yourself first.

Who: Who I am is unimportant. I do, however, enjoy sex, dally in various relationships, and on top of that I am an organizer by trade, or perhaps faith. I declare here and now that I know as much as anyone about sex and relationships -- which is roughly nothing and everything.

Why: Organizers, activists, change makers, closet progressives -- people trying to save the world often have a hard time figuring out how to ... do it. Whatever it might be at the moment -- love, dominate, submit, indulge, deny, give, take, fight, let go, wonder, know. I secretly suspect that if everyone were able to find the freedom to really love and please themselves (not to mention each other), the world would be a much more peaceful place.